In the world of dating apps, there’s losers and there’s losers. The losers are all of the apps. The other losers are everyone on them. Let’s review our dating app options:

Tinder (people who want to fuck). OKCupid (people without smartphones who want to fuck). Match (people with $25 a month to burn who want to fuck). Hinge (stalkers who want to fuck).

Then there’s Bumble.

The logo looks like a bee hive AND a vagina.

The so-called feminist Tinder, which requires the woman to initiate conversation. Sounds great! But, those assholes at Bumble put a fucking 24 hour time limit on making contact. You match… have 24 hours to message your match…..he or she has another 24 hours to respond. This slows shit down considerably.

It also turns everyone into an asshole. Know why?

Because you’ve sent your clever initial message and then…. THERE’S LITERALLY A TIMER COUNTING DOWN ALL THE HOURS THAT BASTARD/ BITCH ISN’T RESPONDING.

That’s what I like in a dating app: building resentment immediately. I’m going to resent you eventually anyway, so let’s just cut right the fuck to it.

And the fucking action photos!

“Maybe someone at the bottom of this lake will love me!”

I’ve spent some time on OKStoopid and I’ve seen to truly terrible profile pics. Mirror selfies. Bathroom mirror selfies. Bathroom mirror selfies that are obviously in a public loo in some shit establishment. And driver’s seat photos. So many driver’s seat photos. Why are you taking a selfie in your car? And why aren’t you smiling? Jesus.

Bumble is pic after pic after pic of people skiing! Cliff diving! Wind surfing! Hiking! Bumble is full of people who Do! All! The! Things! Like they don’t want to just make a cocktail, sink into the sofa, and watch Netflix like the rest of us.

He really wants to watch Black Mirror, but is worried his friends will think he's a nerd.
He really wants to watch Black Mirror, but is worried his friends will think he’s a nerd.

As a point of contrast, my photos fall into two camps: 1) me singing at karaoke and 2) me leaning against a brick wall.

My spoken word album cover

How the fuck is anyone supposed to keep up with that shit? How is anyone supposed to feel OK about what they actually do when they’re confronted with another social media construction of a fabulous life?

Guess what, Bumble assholes? You’re not really fabulous. You’re just like everyone else, except with a couple more action photos. And I guarantee that I had more fun drinking whiskey and binging Snuff Box than you did on the ski trip where you took your profile pic. You know, the trip where you fucked that waitress then called your girlfriend a whore because she smiled at your cousin.

Fuck Bumble.

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