Your viral marketing plan is bullshit.

A few years ago, a massive sculpture of a single mac n’ cheese noodle popped up in Philadelphia near Love Park. In a city known for public art, a giant bit of mac n’ cheese wasn’t terribly out of the ordinary. After all, this city has a statue of a giant clothespin:

A representation of all of our disapproving mothers.

Along with oversized recreations of game pieces:

Because Philadelphians are sore losers.

And a statue that might just be of poop:

A fiber problem?

Cheddar yellow and emblazoned with the phrase, “You know you love it,” the mac n’ cheese statue was immediately a draw for photo ops, which went all over social media. It as so fun! It was so Philly!

Note the punctuation choice. A period rather than an exclamation. This statue is an asshole and knows it.

It was so viral marketing. Copies had been placed in several cities by Kraft. Because….I guess there are people who don’t know about mac n’ cheese?

How empty must their lives be? Had they been locked in a bunker? Why is there a need to market mac n’ cheese? It’s the perfect snack, it’s easy and fast, and it’s everywhere. Mac n’ cheese is beyond marketing at this point. It permeates the snack-o-sphere. You don’t need to market that.

Just keep churning out new ways to enjoy it, Kraft. If you want to market, buy some fucking add space like the giant conglomerate you are. Don’t act all start-up, you corporate piece of shit.

Which brings me to Lady Gaga.

I’m barely aware of her music anymore, but her imagery is everywhere. I can’t go on the internet without seeing her photo everywhere in promotion of her new album, Joanne.

I’m part of the problem.

She’s permeating everything, much like pumpkin spice. So, I about lost my shit when I saw this stencil defacing public sidewalks all over Philly:

Someone went to college to deface this public sidewalk.

It’s the mac n’ cheese statue all over again. Only now it has a fucking hashtag.

This kind of marketing is for start ups and indie bands, not an artist with a multiple number one albums and a recording deal with fucking Interscope. Jesus.

Fuck corporate viral marketing.

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