Lisa Hates A Thing: Upselling

I know what I want.

At least, I know what I want in terms of how I want to spend my money. Other stuff? Not so much. Do I want to stay at my job or quit? Do I want to stay in the country or piss off and be an expat? Do I want to date this person, that person, or all of the persons?

I don’t know, so STOP PRESSURING ME. Jesus. And stop asking me about wanting god damn kids then giving me shit about my answer. I don’t trust anyone who wants me to do something that’s potentially going to give me a cloaca.

lobster-161812_640
I once told a doc I was thinking about having a baby and she said, “OUT OF THERE?”

Upselling is ubiquitous in consumer culture. Throw in an extra feature? Sure! How about this other option? Of course! Seems like a good idea! In the end, we wind up spending far more than we intended and hating ourselves for our weakness and gullibility. How did we not see that the salesperson was just trying to sell us more stuff????

buying-15810_640
She obviously wants to come to your….ummmmm….whatever the hell it is.

My previous job at the Waffle House taught me everything I need to know about upselling. Mostly what it is and why I don’t want to do it. The training video showed me how to upsell chocolate or lemon pie…at no benefit to myself. Have you had chocolate or lemons pie at the Waffle House? At which hospital did you wind up?

This is the only thing you need to know about why Trump won.

Upselling is about suggestion. Suggesting more products or services than the buyer intended in the moment. Is the buyer here for a meal? Sell him desert. Is the buyer here for a haircut? Sell him a shave. My irritation is that I understand this is happening. I KNOW. I know when I’m being marketed to and I know when I’m being upsold to because I’m not a moron. However, too often this happens only when another human being holds my hair in their hands.

Recently, I got a haircut. This doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but I assure you, it is. See, where I live, women’s haircuts are fucking expensive. Most start at sixty bucks. Sometimes, you can find a place that starts at fifty. Thus, haircuts only happen for me maybe three times a year. Four if I have a Groupon.

So, this salon in an up and coming neighborhood* had an opening and only charged $45! Fan-fucking-tastic! I’m in the chair…getting my hair cut by a very pleasant woman…..then……

“What are your long term goals for your appearance?”

THE FUCK?????

My long term goals for my appearance are god damn simple: I want to look pretty, OK? I want to feel good about my hair, so that means a getting a good haircut.

Ohhhhh, but it didn’t stop there.

“Have you thought about tinting your eyebrows? It would add more definition to your face.”

NO I AIN’T THOUGHT ABOUT TINTING MY EYEBROWS!

via GIPHY

“If you didn’t want to tint your brows, an overall blonde would suit you. We could do an ombre. That would be so pretty on you.”

Bitch, you had one job. Cut. My. Hair.

But, you had to upsell. And not even products! I’m used to being upsold pomades and shit because they make my hair look like a photo shoot. You had to upsell treatments to make me feel like a more acceptable human female.

And now, even though the haircut you gave me is OK and only cost $45, I’m not coming back. Because you made me feel like a work in progress.

TINTING MY FUCKING EYEBROWS. ARE YOU GOD DAMN KIDDING ME?

You’ll never tint my eyebrows.

Fucking cunt.

*I’ll deal with this shit in another blog post.

How Not To Die 004

Put this in your ear holes immediately!

This week me, Jim, Spear, and LisaX threw Army of Darkness on the TV, polished off a bottle of Micther’s Teh Bourbon, and discussed some of the country’s most pressing topics:

  • Would it be satisfying to write a one-hit-wonder?
  • Which way would you absolutely NOT want to go out?
  • Why don’t more people remember Ducommun?

And loads of other things that will probably save your life.

Is there shit you hate we should be talking about? Let us know.

Thanks for listening.

burbs-screenshot-rick-ducommun