Spear Hates a Thing: The Common Cold

I have recently been waylaid by the most dastardly of adversaries: The Common Cold. See, the common cold doesn’t want to really harm you. It doesn’t want to maim you or cause you any permanent damage. It only wants to slow you down, to make you slightly “less than.”

It is in this way that the common cold does its damage. You get a cold and you go to work. You stare at the screen blankly wishing for the important information that is on it to seep into your brain through osmosis. You try to think so that you can solve some sort of problem and find yourself devoid of any rational means to make a decision. All you can think about is how stuffy you are, or how much your head hurts, or when you are finally going to be able to return to bed.


“There’s something important here, I know it.”

Your kids don’t care if you’re sick either. They still have to go to soccer practice, or swim lessons, or to that birthday party at the trampoline park with the blaring music and the screaming as the kids bounce and bounce and bounce. You’re begging for the sweet, merciful tranquility of a NyQuil-induced coma, but first…there’s cake!


“NyQuil, take me away…”

In fact, it’s probably your kid’s fault that you caught that cold. Kids are remorseless germ-mongers who are hell-bent on spreading disease and viruses. You may tell them to “cover your mouth when you cough,” or “throw those tissues out when you’re done with them,” or “for all that is holy, please do not lick my face.” However, none of that will stop them from their mission to spread as many germs as possible, in as many ways as possible, while affecting as many people as possible.


Adorable…and disgusting.

Your only recourse is to try to get right using some sort of medication. But, don’t try to get the medication that contains pseudoephedrine (you know, the stuff that actually works), or risk being labeled as a meth cook. Hey! Lady behind the counter! I’m not breaking bad, I just have a cold. Now, give me the good stuff so I can go about my day being miserable.

It’s entirely possible that I am bitter right now because I have a cold and my meds are about to wear off. Probably not. Fuck you, Common Cold. I hate you.